A Safe Haven

     Throughout my life, I have always striven to find a safe place. Before this past Christmas break, I had never had my own room. I've always shared with at least one of my siblings; whether it be all three of them, both my sisters, or one of my sister, there has always been someone else in the room with me. Most people feel that their room is their safe place to go and be alone; not so in my case.
     I am also a major introvert, and have slight social anxiety. Talking in class makes me nervous, giving speeches can give me panic attacks. So while some people find a safe place in people, I never have.
     Some people also find a safe place in their families. A lot of my friends from high school had really good relationships with their moms; when something bad happened, they went to her for advice. My mother and I unfortunately don't have that type of relationship. We're more comfortable sitting in the same room and ignoring each other than we are talking about sensitive topics. Some also find comfort in their siblings, because siblings stick together through thick and thin. Up until very recently, I haven't understood this type of closeness and still don't fully understand it. There is 2-5 years between me and my three siblings. My brother and I are 2 years apart, my sister and I are 3, my other sister and I are 5. They're all very close in age, 13 months between my brother and sister, under 2 years between my sisters, so they are all close. I, on the other hand, am the awkward younger one that doesn't have the same relationship with them as they do to each other. So while my siblings may find solace in one another, I do not.
     Even with my friends in high school I could never find one that I was especially close to above all others. Looking at all my friends I could see who they all went to for guidance, who they were especially close to. Most of the time, I was the awkward third wheel in the group of two best friends. I hopped from group to group, friends with them but not incredibly close. I kept, and still do keep, people at a distance. When there is so much isolation built up from a young age, it's hard to let people in.
     My one solace that I did find as a child was reading and writing. With reading, I could be transported into another time, another place. I took on the persona of the main character and dealt with their problems rather than my own. With writing, I could project my problems onto the characters and let them solve them in the ways I could never. These two activities quickly turned from hobbies of mine into my main passions. I value reading above all else, including sleep, food, and friend time. Writing, while challenging at times, is definitely something that has helped me through every problem in my life. Where others turn to people, I turn to characters. They have helped me in ways I don't think people ever could.
     So I suppose I have found my safe place, though I found it at such a young age I never really noticed I had it. Books and writing are things that have always been there for me, and always will always be there. They are my safe haven.