A Safe Haven

     Throughout my life, I have always striven to find a safe place. Before this past Christmas break, I had never had my own room. I've always shared with at least one of my siblings; whether it be all three of them, both my sisters, or one of my sister, there has always been someone else in the room with me. Most people feel that their room is their safe place to go and be alone; not so in my case.
     I am also a major introvert, and have slight social anxiety. Talking in class makes me nervous, giving speeches can give me panic attacks. So while some people find a safe place in people, I never have.
     Some people also find a safe place in their families. A lot of my friends from high school had really good relationships with their moms; when something bad happened, they went to her for advice. My mother and I unfortunately don't have that type of relationship. We're more comfortable sitting in the same room and ignoring each other than we are talking about sensitive topics. Some also find comfort in their siblings, because siblings stick together through thick and thin. Up until very recently, I haven't understood this type of closeness and still don't fully understand it. There is 2-5 years between me and my three siblings. My brother and I are 2 years apart, my sister and I are 3, my other sister and I are 5. They're all very close in age, 13 months between my brother and sister, under 2 years between my sisters, so they are all close. I, on the other hand, am the awkward younger one that doesn't have the same relationship with them as they do to each other. So while my siblings may find solace in one another, I do not.
     Even with my friends in high school I could never find one that I was especially close to above all others. Looking at all my friends I could see who they all went to for guidance, who they were especially close to. Most of the time, I was the awkward third wheel in the group of two best friends. I hopped from group to group, friends with them but not incredibly close. I kept, and still do keep, people at a distance. When there is so much isolation built up from a young age, it's hard to let people in.
     My one solace that I did find as a child was reading and writing. With reading, I could be transported into another time, another place. I took on the persona of the main character and dealt with their problems rather than my own. With writing, I could project my problems onto the characters and let them solve them in the ways I could never. These two activities quickly turned from hobbies of mine into my main passions. I value reading above all else, including sleep, food, and friend time. Writing, while challenging at times, is definitely something that has helped me through every problem in my life. Where others turn to people, I turn to characters. They have helped me in ways I don't think people ever could.
     So I suppose I have found my safe place, though I found it at such a young age I never really noticed I had it. Books and writing are things that have always been there for me, and always will always be there. They are my safe haven.

Formal Recruitment

     Tonight was the first night of formal recruitment for 2016, which made me think of when I went through formal last spring. Formal was a very scary process, yet I am so happy I went through it. In case you don't know what formal is, it's about a week process of meeting all the different sororities on campus, and learning about them to see if you fit well with any of them. I signed up kind of on a whim, because I was a commuter last year and didn't really know anyone on campus other than some people I met in band and in my classes. I wanted to experience more of college life, and so I signed up.
     Through formal, you meet so many people you never would have otherwise, and learn a little about who they are and why they chose their sorority. It was really cool to see girls from all areas, different backgrounds, finding a commonality in one group and becoming incredibly close. The relationships that sisters form is quite unlike any other. Having sisters behind you is comforting; knowing you always have someone to talk to about whatever is going on in your life, whether it be good or bad.
     Learning a little about each of the six sororities on campus was really nice, because until you talk to the sisters from each group you really can't understand who they are and what they stand for. Even meeting them and talking to them for the time that I had, I still can't tell you who all these fantastic women are, but I can tell you that they have found everlasting friendships within their sororities, just as I have. That doesn't mean we don't have our fair share of disagreements, because we really do. When life kicks you down and you just need someone to be there for you, you always have your sisters. No matter what, they're there for you through everything and anything.
     Through formal, I learned what groups were for me, and what ones weren't. In the end you can only choose one, and I found one that accepted me for who I am; nothing more, nothing less. I have made friendships with the girls in my sorority that I know I will cherish and keep for the rest of my life. The sisters have truly become my sisters; I trust them with everything because I know they've got my back. The sisters of Phi Sigma accepted me one year ago, and I couldn't be more thankful. They are my sisters, my family, my friends.

Once a Phi Sigma

Always a Phi Sigma

Coffee Makes the Day Better

     I don't think there's ever a day where I don't need coffee. Even if I get 10+ hours of sleep, I need the caffeine of coffee to function properly. The type of coffee needed changes depending on the day. On the days where I barely get any sleep, maybe 3-4 hours that night, I need straight coffee with maybe one sugar packet. The warmth of the coffee plus the bitter taste helps me get going when the day seems to drag on forever. If I get a decent amount of sleep for a college student, 6-8 hours that night, I'll go for some of the more fun flavors such as a peppermint mocha or a chocolate frap. The sugar in those plus the coffee gives me a little boost to get through the day. The days that drag on and seem to never end require coffee for every meal. Even late at night sometimes I make coffee, because I still have homework and can't get though it without the bitter taste and caffeine of coffee.
    I never used to be a fan of coffee, until I got into high school and my schedule started to get jam packed. Even then, I had mostly sweetener with a little coffee added. Throughout the years, I've started to invert the ratio to where it's mostly coffee with a dash of sweetener. I'm not to the stage where I can drink it black, unless I have an all nighter or I get maybe 1-2 hours of sleep that night. Those rare occasions warrant the bitter taste of hot, black coffee.
    Going a day without coffee is bearable, though I don't really like to. Going two or three days without coffee is no longer possible. Coffee gives me the motivation to keep moving and actually participate in school. Without coffee, I become sluggish and can't focus. The sleep deprivation is heavily apparent when I go without coffee for more than a day, and it's too hard to function when I haven't had any for two+ days. Coffee makes my days bearable, and I get more done with it in my system.

Beth Ann

My grandmother's birthday was yesterday, January 20, as well as my half birthday. Yesterday, unfortunately, I was too swamped with school things that I didn't have time to post. Today, however, I thought it would be a nice tribute to the woman who helped raise me, and make a list of all that she taught me.
      She taught me:

• How to cross stitch- a hobby I keep up with today; it helps me calm down when I get too stressed
• To appreciate a good book and to never leave home without one- I now carry a book with me everywhere I go, no matter the situation, just incase I find myself with some extra time and nothing to fill it
• That soap operas are the best thing to fill up lazy summer afternoons- the story lines are so predictable, yet incredibly addicting
• Shoes are only necessary when leaving the house- if you're inside, they serve no purpose
• Having a sink full of dishes is not important as reading- dishes won't fill your mind with the same complex thoughts that a fantastic book can
• Having an immaculate house only shows people how boring you are- if all you have to fill your time is cleaning, you need to find a hobby, or twenty
• Genealogy is fascinating- she got our family line back to my 14-great grandparents and found how our ancestors traveled from France to Quebec, and then settled into Indiana
• Mowing the lawn is much more fun when you cut it in fun ways- though my grandfather was strict about straight lines, my grandmother and I found it was much more fun to cut it in a large circle; as long as it all gets cut, who cares how it's cut
• You will eat half the berries you collect while collecting them- in their yard, they had two large mulberry trees and 9 cherry trees; a majority of the time we came in with stained fingers and toes, with barely any berries in the buckets. Oh well!
• History is so much more fun to study in your free time than in school- over the summers we would research various things from the civil war to the supreme court justices, and it was a lot of fun; learning it in school is torture
• Families are crazy, but you love them anyway- my family is one big mess, but they're always there for you
• Cheesy popcorn is the best morning snack, and ice cream is the best afternoon snack- everyday in summer, this was the routine food to eat between meals
• Say what you want and stand up for what you believe in even if people disagree with you- my grandmother would say whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted, and didn't care who she offended; she was outspoken and stuck up for herself and instilled these values in me as well

My grandmother was a fascinating, intimidating woman. Unfortunately, she died in August of 2011. Though she can no longer teach me other values and ways to live a great life, I am grateful for what I was able to learn from her in the 15 years I spent with her. These values I will cherish for my entire life, and I will always be thankful for everything she taught me.

My Book

Why must I put down my book?
I long to finish the lavender hardback beauty that has caught my attention and refuses to let it go.
Page after page, chapter after chapter, I fall further and further into its grasps.
From the character progressions to the storyline developing, I am hopelessly addicted to its exquisite cream colored pages detailing the events of Raven and Mikhail.
Their lives have become my own; I relate to the struggles they must deal with.
The words burn pictures into my skull; the sentences transporting me into another time, another place, completely different from this world and yet, also very similar.
One hundred pages from the end, I am so anxious to read what happens next.
Fifty pages from the end, will the book end happily or leave me aching for more?
Twenty-five pages from the end, the agony is killing me.
Ten pages from the end, where did the time go?
Five pages from the end, I don't want to finish it; please don't end!
Last page, last sentence, last word.
The book has ended, Raven and Mikhail's lives eternally inscribed on both the pages of the novel and my brain.
Books are my everything; they are my life.
On to the next one...